it has been a while…

not including my last post…it has been a long time since i last blogged! and boy a lot has happened! I have done a final semester performance, completed a dissertation and started back into my final semester of uniersity..and i think to myself ‘sorry, WHAT?!’

Where the flip has the time gone? how could 3 years possibly have gone soo fast! and been SO eventful! I have learnt more about life and music in the past 3 years that i have in my whole life put together! life is beginning (or continuing) to scare me! and if im honest, i don’t remember the last time i sat down alone with God and talked it all out! all my fears and worries and about all the things i’ve gotta face in the next few months! theres just too much and i think im scared of completely over whelming myself! I am not the sorta person who can look at a little bit at a time…i start to think of one situation or decision i have to make and it leads on a winding road and stress and panic and then i freak out and the process starts again! i stop thinking for a hile and it all builds and builds and builds!

I guess what im saying is…i feel very far away…very disconnected and very scared! even though i know that God loves me…like someone very wisely said on postsecret

so things on my to do list at the mo…

• research unification of germany and italy
• research the french revolution
• generally read about 19th century opera
• pick pieces for my final performance
• try and sleep better

greensleeves

it’s 1:30am

i am cold and my mind is racing with thoughts about my future…and i absolutely cannot fall asleep!! in fairness i only tried to go to sleep about 15 minutes ago, but nonetheless, the minute i turned my light off, my mind starting racing. thoughts and fears about finishing uni, more closely, finishing this semester! i have a dissertation and a final performance, both of which i am extremely nervous about. the progress with the dissertation is slow and my piece for my performance is also making slow progress…at least its making progress i hear you optimists say!

In 5 months time i will be finished uni, in 7 months time i will hopefully graduate, and in 9 months time one of my best friends is getting married. she has asked me to be her bridesmaid and i have very happily and joyfully accepted!! the problem is…i cant fully get excited about her wedding because i don’t know if i will be able to make it. now this is jumping way ahead of anything here but i may as well tell you, my faithful readers, that i am applying for a job…in…china! i don’t know what Gods will is for my life, but i know that i was told about this job, i didn’t just find it by accident, and i believe that by faith i will apply for it and see how God leads me! the thought of living and teaching in china excites the life out of me and terrifies the life out of me all at the same time! but lets get back to reality here, i havent even filled out my application form yet! never mind got an interview so it is all a long way (sort of!) off! deadline for application is 22nd feb! i intend to get stuck into my form at the start of next semester…25th jan onwards! if im successful at application stage, the interviews are 8th/9th march…the rest is the future and only God is in control of that!!

so i guess now that ive told you all that id really appreciate you’re prayers! anyone that knows me will know that i worry a little…a lot!! i struggle a lot with putting things to the back of my mind and concentrating on the present, and right now thats what i need to do! i need the next 2-3 weeks to be focused on my dissertation and my performance! then and only THEN can i start to think about my application form! a form that will determine the next 2 yrs of my life! i tend to look at the big picture…its not my job to look at the big picture…so i guess i also need prayer in the area of concentrating on little chunks of the big picture!

i would love nothing more than to just feel a real sense of peace about my life right now…because i feel very uneasy! i feel stuck! i can’t really explain fully how i feel! for tiny split seconds, life makes sense, then that feeling goes away again and i feel like i crash back into reality! but what even is reality?! why can’t it be perfect peace all of the time!

i guess it will..someday!

thanks!

greensleeves

how do you not worry!?

Imagine if everything in life went the way you planned it…or even better, imagine if you knew how your life was going to go…what’s coming next?

Recently, (well…this weekend to be precise)…I’ve been thinking a lot about truly resting in God. Finding peace and contentment. I’m not in control, God is! That should be something that excites me, I don’t have to worry about life, God has it sorted! It’s ironic really because this very fact worries me. I’m not in control! Is it not generally human nature to want and need to be in control! I guess in some ways its selfish and arrogant to think that my way is the right way, the best way! It really isn’t. I go about thinking I know best, I can sort myself out, my problems are my problems, let me deal with them my way! But in reality, I haven’t a clue! I haven’t a clue how to not worry…and then that of course leads to feeling guilty about worrying because it is a sin to worry, and its just one big viscous cycle!

But then…a very wise person told me to try ‘the experiment’

‘stop trying to stop worrying!’

and so…I tried, and so I sorta stopped worrying about my worry for a while…but every now and again I try to stop worrying and I just can’t…! So…I worry, I pray and I let God deal with it! I am human, I can’t do anything without God’s help, and that is something I am learning more and more every day!

Now I’ve decided I don’t really know where I’m going with this blog entry…I guess in a nutshell I’m worried about the future and not really knowing what’s happening or how to even make constructive plans that are in keeping with God’s will for my life…I know He leads me…I just need to learn and remember that he never leaves me and he has it sorted!

sigh!

i need some diet coke!