God speaks in a whisper

I am so very thankful and fortunate to be blessed with the gift of music. Anyone who knows me will understand that one of my biggest fears in life is going tone deaf/not being able to pitch or sing a note. WELL…tonight I was at a Matt Redman and LZ7 concert in Belfast and I couldn’t sing a note. I have lost my voice for the first ever! At the start I was like, seriously why am I even here I can’t sing along aaah!I was thinking, how on earth can I worship without a voice?! Then it hit me…in a whisper. I thought well, instead of singing I’ll just whisper the words and it was through that, that God spoke to me. I had a totally different experience of worship and of hearing tonight and it was incredible. The whole way through the night I was reminded of the passage in 1 Kings where God speaks to Elijah, not in wind or the thunder but through a whisper.

I had the wrong attitude. Its not always about the singing…Thank God he changed my heart  and my attitude through a whisper tonight!

So I never thought I’d EVER say this, but tonight I was glad not to be able to sing! :O

greensleeves

numbers

You did not choose me, But I chose you and appointed you yo go and bear fruit – fruit that will last!

John 15:16

I have been challenged recently about the size of the youth group that I help lead in church. But challenged more in a defensive way. We have a small group of about 12-15 kids that regularly attend yf. I constantly feel, though, that I make excuses for it being so small. I hear of other churches having loads and loads of young people and loads of youth leaders and my defense mechanism shoots up immediately and defend and justify why we have so few when really the bottom line is, numbers do not matter!

I am reading a book called ‘Fruit that will Last’ by Tim Hawkins. In one of the early chapters he talks about how very often youth leaders compare numbers with eachother, and generally in secret because generally speaking, and secretly speaking, every youth leader wants a bigger youth group whether they can admit it or not. I’m not saying that having a huge youth group is a bad thing, by no means. Young people are the next generation of the church and nurturing them in a healthy environment where they have a community of other Christians their age is so important. But that’s just it…community! Communities don’t necessarily have to be a large number of people. Aren’t relationships just as important as numbers? Don’t get me wrong either, I would love for our youth group to grow in numbers, but more so in fruit. I long for their relationship with God to grow and deepen and be one that will bear fruit that will last. Fruit is more important that numbers! Then it turns into a bit of a cycle really, the more fruit, the more confidence in God and the more bold they become to step out in faith and reach out to people and not be ashamed of the Gospel!

God doesn’t care how many are in your group, but God cares incredibly about the quality of your fruit.

         Tim Hawkins

love?

I am starting to really get a sense that God is trying to tell me how much He loves me! Over the past few days, maybe even weeks, I have been reading things in blogs and in daily devotions that are very much specific to God’s love for me. How he looks past my faults and failures and loves me to my very deepest being.

As a human, I really struggle with this concept. I struggle with the thought of a God who could love me…with an unconditional love. I always feel the need to prove myself to people. Not to make myself feel good, but to just feel accepted. I very much feel that in order for people to love me, I need to earn that love. That it’s not the free love that God offers. And so I am often very tempted to compare God’s love to human love! Ridiculous?I know!…but don’t we all do that at some point in our lives, in our weeks, even nearly every day? I know I do!

I remember back at the start of June when I was at Encounter doing an exercise known as Lectio Divina, which is basically meditating on a passage in the Bible that is spoken out loud by someone and listening to see if a specific line or phrase stands out. The passage that was read on this particular morning was from Psalm 63

O God You are my God

earnestly I seek you

My soul thirsts for you

My flesh faints for you

as in a dry and weary land

Where there is no water

The phrase that stood out for me was ‘I seek you’…and not just for the long term plan of my life but every day, each morning, each afternoon, each evening, truly seeking God. Listening for his voice. I really felt that that was what God was telling me to do. This was a powerful experience and I felt peace and joy right there and then. God was simply asking me to trust him for everything, because he loves me, unconditionally! But how easy it has been for me to slip out of that heart and mind set! To let the everyday distractions and frustrations to take over. To let the world tell me that I have to prove myself. That I’m no good!

I’m just so thankful that God is obviously using various methods to communicate the fact that he does love me unconditionally, and that I absolutely have to cling on to the cross! To the promise of His love! And to remember each and every day to focus, to renew my focus and to keep my focus on God!

This was the daily e-votion from Ronald Ovitt that I received in my email yesterday morning…and it got me thinking about actually how blatantly obvious it is that God is reaching out to my unsettled and somewhat lost heart…The title was the first giveaway!

Unconditional Love

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. — For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:1, 38-39 

It is so hard for me to accept the love that God has for me. I want to believe that He loves me with an unconditional love and then I slip up. I fail to do something right, make a mistake, get someone mad at me and my life starts to unravel. The lies begin to fill my head and I find myself hopelessly loss in a system of “works” gone awry. A tyrannical voice banishes me to annihilation. After all, I have fallen from perfection. Does this sound extreme? For so many it is not. We strive for perfection, saying God loves us but in reality we do everything we can to make sure He will love us. We fear that He will reject us if we commit the “unforgivable sin”. The sad truth is, in our perfectionist mindset, every sin is unforgivable. We need to see this for what it is–a lie straight from the pit of Hell itself. The truth is, there is nothing we can do to have Jesus love us one ounce more. At the same time, there is nothing we can do to have Jesus love us one ounce less! Paul’s declaration cuts through our chains, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!” Let the truth of today’s passage set us free-nothing, not even our own mistakes, can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Today, settle it once and for all. Accept the unconditional love that God has for you.

Accept the unconditional love that God has for me! This is my prayer!

greensleeves!

you’re all I need

so, today was a pretty quiet day in work and I found my mind drifting off so many times, just day dreaming and thinking about a lot of stuff that’s going on right now and at one point in the day I was standing at the coffee machine watching what was on the TV and it was this song!

It wasn’t this particular video, it was one with the lyrics! And it gave me time to stand and read them! And they really spoke to me! This video I’ve posted shows in a very simplified form the many trials and difficulties we face that detract from, tear us away from and stand in our way of our relationship with Jesus! Even though we sometimes are very aware of His presence, it’s just hard to really ‘see’ Him!

So I just wanted to share this video and this message! That Jesus is all we need!

The words are just so powerful..here they are!

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything,everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Church…

Recently, I have found myself questioning what church actually is? What does it look like? What do I expect from church? Are my expectations right? Are the selfish? I am in the right church, for the right reasons?! Oh dear…tooo many questions…

But for he next few weeks…months…years…I am prayerfully seeking my future in my church. I have struggled for a long time with the fact that I have gotten myself into a routine, into a complete rut! I go to church and play in the praise band. I dont feel engaged, I dont feel like I’m worshipping and I don’t really feel like i belong?! But then I find myself wondering, well…what is church? Words like community, friendship, worship, unity…all spring to mind…but do I find them in my church? I stand at the front playing the flute. I dont feel particularly filled by the Holy Spirit, and I feel even more saddened when I look down the congregation and see glum, unworshipful faces staring back at me!

What do I see church as…or maybe what do I want to see church as…?

I want to church to be full of happiness and sadness, full of brokenness and surrender. To see people being truly honest and open about how they are and where they’re at…i want freedom in church. I want to be free to raise my hands, not to be judged, to cry if i need to, to laugh if i need to! I want to have community! Relationships! I want God to be the focus! I want the Holy Spirit to tryuly move and be revealed! I want people to have a massive desire to worship from the bottom of their hearts…!

Why do people not feel the joy in singing songs of praise and worship to God?! How can the words not fill them with hope, with happiness, with humility and with the desire to raise their eyes, hearts and arms in complete submission to God because He is so good? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not standing judging people because the Spirit works through people in different ways…but I do find it very very hard to engage with God when I feel like its just a chore that I have been doin for the past 11 yrs! I dont get joy out of playing on a sunday morning!

So I have a dilemma…I have issues with what people think of me. I want so much to just give the band a break for a while and be part of’ ‘the church’. But I cant be bothered with the questions of why?! Because I’m scared of the answer!  I’m searching! Im searching for a reason to stay in my own church! I need to feel that I am giving God something more that just a tune on the flute every sunday! I want him to have my heart…in all its brokenness…but I just dont feel that when i’m playing on the band! I know its an act of service but…i dont feel that i am doing it with the right attitude anymore! and that breaks my heart even more…

aah…

tell me your thoughts…

I don’t actually expect anyone to have many thoughts on this but i just thought i’d share with you all my essay title that i’m about to start working on…due date 25th feb UGH!!

How far can an opera influence political events?

greensleeves!

What is Tradition?

here’s another little question for your thoughts to ponder…what is tradition? can or should tradition change? this is my next essay title for musicology…only writing it in terms of irish tradition music.

all thoughts welcome… thanks

a little survey…

for anyone who didn’t already answer this via text message…or if you have something else to add…

What is the role of a conductor of an orchestra?

All answers welcome!

greensleeves

What is ‘music’

when you think of the word music…what do you think of?

leave your thoughts

thanks!

 

how do you not worry!?

Imagine if everything in life went the way you planned it…or even better, imagine if you knew how your life was going to go…what’s coming next?

Recently, (well…this weekend to be precise)…I’ve been thinking a lot about truly resting in God. Finding peace and contentment. I’m not in control, God is! That should be something that excites me, I don’t have to worry about life, God has it sorted! It’s ironic really because this very fact worries me. I’m not in control! Is it not generally human nature to want and need to be in control! I guess in some ways its selfish and arrogant to think that my way is the right way, the best way! It really isn’t. I go about thinking I know best, I can sort myself out, my problems are my problems, let me deal with them my way! But in reality, I haven’t a clue! I haven’t a clue how to not worry…and then that of course leads to feeling guilty about worrying because it is a sin to worry, and its just one big viscous cycle!

But then…a very wise person told me to try ‘the experiment’

‘stop trying to stop worrying!’

and so…I tried, and so I sorta stopped worrying about my worry for a while…but every now and again I try to stop worrying and I just can’t…! So…I worry, I pray and I let God deal with it! I am human, I can’t do anything without God’s help, and that is something I am learning more and more every day!

Now I’ve decided I don’t really know where I’m going with this blog entry…I guess in a nutshell I’m worried about the future and not really knowing what’s happening or how to even make constructive plans that are in keeping with God’s will for my life…I know He leads me…I just need to learn and remember that he never leaves me and he has it sorted!

sigh!

i need some diet coke!