Happy New Year everyone!

2011…who could believe it?! For the first time in my life, I don’t have a rough plan for the year and I’s pretty weird! I am trying to learn more and more each day to trust God! It proves harder than many people make it look! This is the first Christmas in a long time where I havent had o do coursework or revise! It has been weird – that is all I’ve known Christmas holidays to be! Even though I only had 2 days off work, I felt I didnt make the most of them! I also spend one of the nights in casualty with my granny! 10 hours later she was admitted! That brings me to another rant!

I dont understand why a breathless and agonised 86 year old lady would be kept waiting for 10 hours over night to be at least given a bed! There were plenty of beds when we finally got her to the ward and there is no way that all those beds became free in the middle of the night at exactly the same time! I very much doubt patients would be discharged at 4am to go home…! I understand that the health service is under pressure with staff cuts and all the rest of it but I can’t understand why, especially at a time of year when A&E departments are renowned for being extremely busy that they dont take that advanced knowledge to be better prepared! It took 5 hours for her to be even taken in to triage to be seen, it took a further hour for her xray to be done and a further half hour for a doctor to come and tell her the problem and then inform her that she had to see the surgical team who were in the City Hospital that night and that an ambulance could transfer her but it would be a few hours! From the Royal to the City approximately 5 mins in a car at 1:30am…a lot faster in an ambulance because they can drive faster…! Anyway… my mum and I just took her over! To find 3 ambulances parked outside! 3! How could once of them not done that fast little trip?! Anyway…long story short, she is in hospital now and just remaining the same! Being monitored and it is just a matter of waiting to see what teyre gonna go! Not the most satisfactory service but what can ya do?! Pray I guess!! My prayer is that she is kept as comfortable as possible and looked after! She is much happier knowing that there are people around her keeping an eye on her!

Prayers are very much appreciated!

Greensleeves!

you don’t kow what you’re missing…

…till it’s gone!

I have been without a car now for a week and it is seriously becoming a bit of a pain! I had NO idea how much I took my little car for granted! Being able to just jump into it and go wherever, whenever and now all of a sudden I feel trapped! And the even more depressing thing is that it’s Christmas and family and friends are returning home from wherever they are and it is just so annoying that I can’t make plans too far in advance because I don’t know id i’ll be able to organise a lift there, and home again! And knowing that I have to get a lift home just makes it worst for I can’t be staying out to late and I have to arrange a time to leave in advance! Just all the little tiny details that seem like nothing at all until you have to think about them prior to a night out with friends! ugh!

I just need to have a good old rant about my current LACK of independence for I am very much NOT liking it!

grrrrrrreensleeves!

irritations…

I am 21! I am single! And for some people this seems to be a problem! Well…maybe not a problem, but an issue they feel they need to fix! I don’t understand why people feel the need to ‘fix’ my singleness! I’, not saying I’m against having a boyfriend right now, I’m just saying that I don’t want it to be forced! If it is God’s plan, then someone will come into my life! But I don’t want it to be overly set up…
My best friend got married last Saturday…and the question I was asked by several people on the days that followed was…’well, did you meet Mr Right?’…or something along those lines! That was absolutely not the reason I went to the wedding, to find my future husband!

I just wish people would leave me alone! I am happy, at least I’m trying to be happy with where I am right now. It makes me feel like I’m not living my life right when they start trying to answer my problems of singleness and careerless-ness!! Argh!

Anyway…rant over…for now!

Greensleeves!

lifes little nags!

So…now is the time when everyone is returning to uni and I am finding it hard to deal with the fact that im finished and am not going back! It never struck me that it would even phase me but it is very much phasing me!

I feel lost!

I’m finding this time in my life right now somewhat strange! Yes, I have a full time job, and yes I have joined an orchestra and I have a few private flute pupils to teach, but for some reason, there is a part of me inside that is screaming with discontentment! Then, another part screams of my selfishness…why should I be discontent when I have all these things?! Then, another part questions hugely if what I’m doing is what I’m meant to be doing. Then a very amazing friend of mine screams at me (through an email in a very kind and gentle way…) and i quote…Stop trying to understand your life and the meaning behind it… that’s not your job, that’s God’s. Stop stressing out about what people think of you and your future, that doesn’t concern you; that’s God’s issue.

I have control issues that I just need to submit to God! I like to know whats going on and certainly need to be in the know about whats coming next! And right now, I just dont have a clue! I need to stop and consciously remember that that’s ok!It’s ok to not know exactly what’s going on because step by step God will show me his will for my life!

I also have a HUGE issue with people referring to the is ‘year’ of my life as ‘a year out’! Why should it be called a year out?! Why can people not just look at it as the next year of my life journey! I don’t feel like I’m taking a year out because I’m working flippin harder now than I ever have done! 9-5 monday-friday is hard work! But I’m not complaining because I absolutely love my work and am so blessed to be part of the team and working with such wonderful and caring people!

Anyway, I guess I’m just feeling a little unsettled about and uncertain of the future and it scares me! and i needed a little rant!

greensleeves! x

just…why?!

Life is funny.

And right now I don’t really mean ha ha funny. I mean weird funny. Like…’whats the craic?’ funny. Like…’just why?’ Funny!

I just don’t understand a lot of things right now! Ok so I guess a lot has been going on the past few months. I have had a lot of work on, i’ve been busy with one thing or another and i’ve forgotten to take time to just be by myself. To think about why life is funny? What has happened? Where have things gone wrong? I just don’t feel like life is going overly well right now! I often find myself not happy. Not making the most of my time, and not spending time with God…ever! Mmmm and that is quite obviously the reason I’m not happy…but im stubborn! Ugh!

One other thing that is itching away at my mind at the min is the question of why, when you know someone is hurting so so much, you cant just make things better! Without going into any detail at all, I have a friend who is just heart broken! And it is heart breaking! And I cant do anything about it…and that is so frustrating! I don’t really wanna dwell on it that much because I don’t want to draw attention to it…it is just yet another thing on my mind!

Surprise surprise I have an essay due in tomoro morning. Its not going well…hence the blog rant!

Wagner is also another ting on my mind! I mean who even really cares that he caused the holocaust…apparently! Or that is music is so ethically charged that it is questionable wheter it is even right to listen to it today! Does it really influence todays society?! Personally I dont really think so. As far as I am aware…people dont listen to music in the same way today as they did 150-200 years ago. There are more modern and up to date things that influence society today such as media and television. Opera…who goes to opera anymore?! Its definitely not as accessible. Times have changed!

Anyway…my head is FULL! My mind is racing and I wish I could just focus on my essay!

A not particularly cheerful,
Greensleeves…
x

13 weeks and here’s a question about consistency…

someone very kindly pointed out to me today that i only have 13 weeks of uni left…ah!

ok so…there is one thing in life that is really baffling me right now! baffling me and annoying the hell out of me…is the lack of consistency in life! more specifically…in university!!

i have blogged about the lack of consistency in the workplace and now…i’m experiencing it in uni! not one lecturer has the same way of marking, the same opinion on a performance or the same expectation of the way an essay should be reference, set out or the accuracy of the word limit! i mean why?! why can there not be one set of rules for university that is followed? why the gray areas? for the past 2 years, i have realised the truth…that lecturers go fairly easy on you, ease you into the degree…then drop a ruddy big bomb shell on you in final year…boundaries are raised..which is totally fair enough…but us students havent got a single notion how they are raised…how much more work we need to do, even if we work our socks off it sees like its not enough! there is no guidance and the previous 2 years almost seem like a waste of time! it kills me to think that i only have 13 weeks left of uni…13 weeks to finish my degree…13 weeks to work my ass off and achieve the best i can…13 weeks to guess what lecturers expect from me…13 weeks to wonder if i;m doing it all right…13 weeks to potentially get it all wrong!!

13 weeks…that is not a long time! the past 11 weeks have flown in!! the past 20 years have flown in…13 weeks…shit!

can ya tell i’m a little worried?! a little frustrated?! a little lost?! a little overwhelmed?! a little…a lot of things!!!!!

ah!

i just needed a rant about my frustrations about consistency again! and about how time is going tooo fast and i feel like im getting nowhere!!!

ink…

one would think that a university library would have their staff trained to know how to change printer ink and that it wouldnt be left to the next day when students have already printed essays which are now stuck in the memory of the printer and dear only knows when they’ll print out!! vulnerable essays left for the world to see!!! GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

greensleeves is not happy!

internet fiascos!

After approximately 17 phone calls to virgin media, 3 punches of the wall and the use of a tin opener to get the modem screw thing unscrewed to put the new modem thing on, all of which took place between the house of 4pm and 9pm today, we finally have the internet sorted in the house! The guy that finally got us all sorted over the phone deserves a medal for being so patient with me as I spoke very sternly…trying very hard not to swear or completely explode!

Another stressful day in Magee! 9:30pm and I am ready for my bed! Who thought Modern Jazz was so complex?! Highly interesting though…

And Schubert’s Arpeggione for Flute and Piano…coming along nicely!

crap has hit the fan already!

I would be more inclined to say shit has hit the fan…but I didnt want that to be the title of this post…even though that is in fact what I mean!

It has been a stressful few days! I am just out of one of the most depressing and horrible performance classes of my life where we were informed that half of us shouldn’t be there and there will be times when we come out of performance class in tears feeling completely shot down…and this is meant to be productive?! Ok, I’m all for criticism but it needs to be constructive! I personally think that shooting down people’s self confidence and reducing them to tears can at times be completely counter productive!

My degree has been ‘bloody easy’ up until now! 1st and 2nd year are for finding your feet, finding your strengths and examining your weaknesses! Now, this final year s going to be one of the toughest in my academic career! I was excited about getting stuck in but now I am not excited one bit! Yeah I’m trying to stay positive and motivated but I am beginning to find it very hard!

I have 2 performances to do this semester…both 15-20 minutes each and both being evenly weighted in marks! One is at the start of November and the other will be in January! I think this will be the end of my performance career! I don’t think I have enough confidence in myself to carry on with performance and do a 30 minute performance in June and another one in mid semester, probably around easter next year!

It is funny/ANNOYING to think that people have this preconception that a music degree is easy! its a dose! its a cope out! and to be quite honest up until now…I would have been inclined to agree…to some extent! Yeah it still annoyed e when people said it even though I knew they were right! But let this be a warning….anyone who says that a music degree is easy will get a heck of a lot of abuse thrown at them! I will list every single detail of my degree to you and you will listen! because if you think its easy….you are wrong!

I really don’t think I have anything else to say right now except prayers would be very much appreciated right now! For motivation, energy, that y cold clears up and that I get through the next few weeks with out any major glitches in life! Because I don’t think I could possibly deal with any added stress on top of my degree right now!

And if you think I’m being dramatic….don’t tell me because I will hit you! and that is a promise! Even if I don’t know who you are! I will hunt you down!

Lemsip is CRAP!

I have had the cold for about 5 days now! It evolves…goes in stages ya no…firstly I had an ear infection last weekend..which turned into the cold!

a sore throat

a blocked nose

a runny nose

a sneezing fit

a blocked nose

a constant headache

a runny nose

a cough

a chesty cough

HORRIBLE!!!!!!

And so here we are…!

So Ive decided Lemsip is CRAP! The only thing that sorta settles it for a while is actual honey and actual lemon…mixed with hot water and a little covonia added for the cough!! At least enough time for me to fall asleep! And so here goes another night of my little concoction in my brother’s gorge ‘House’ mug before hitting the hay!!

night all!! *cough, sneeze, cough*