‘prayer life’

I read an interesting blog about prayer recently! And it really deeply encouraged me! Not that I am looking for an excuse for the lack of personal prayer in my life…by personal i mean prayer for myself! but it just made sense when i read it!

a line that struck me so much was so… Do we say my “worship life” or my “service life”? nope. Why do we say my “prayer life” … it genuinely mad me think…why indeed?! worship and service are just as important, no? or…are prayer and service not part of our so-called ‘worship life’?

So often, we beat ourselves up for not praying, and especially not for ourselves! well at least i do! i am so bad at talking to God about my own heart and about how im feeling about so many situations! but dont have an issue talking to God about other people, and praying for their needs! and recently, though, I’ve realised that that is not the relationship I want with God! It isn’t a particularly personal one coz im not sharing my heart with him! anyway this is way off topic a little…!

basically i just wanted to share this blog with ya and hope that you find the same joy and confidence and encouragement and in a way, challenge, in it! …

greensleeves! x

it’s 1:30am

i am cold and my mind is racing with thoughts about my future…and i absolutely cannot fall asleep!! in fairness i only tried to go to sleep about 15 minutes ago, but nonetheless, the minute i turned my light off, my mind starting racing. thoughts and fears about finishing uni, more closely, finishing this semester! i have a dissertation and a final performance, both of which i am extremely nervous about. the progress with the dissertation is slow and my piece for my performance is also making slow progress…at least its making progress i hear you optimists say!

In 5 months time i will be finished uni, in 7 months time i will hopefully graduate, and in 9 months time one of my best friends is getting married. she has asked me to be her bridesmaid and i have very happily and joyfully accepted!! the problem is…i cant fully get excited about her wedding because i don’t know if i will be able to make it. now this is jumping way ahead of anything here but i may as well tell you, my faithful readers, that i am applying for a job…in…china! i don’t know what Gods will is for my life, but i know that i was told about this job, i didn’t just find it by accident, and i believe that by faith i will apply for it and see how God leads me! the thought of living and teaching in china excites the life out of me and terrifies the life out of me all at the same time! but lets get back to reality here, i havent even filled out my application form yet! never mind got an interview so it is all a long way (sort of!) off! deadline for application is 22nd feb! i intend to get stuck into my form at the start of next semester…25th jan onwards! if im successful at application stage, the interviews are 8th/9th march…the rest is the future and only God is in control of that!!

so i guess now that ive told you all that id really appreciate you’re prayers! anyone that knows me will know that i worry a little…a lot!! i struggle a lot with putting things to the back of my mind and concentrating on the present, and right now thats what i need to do! i need the next 2-3 weeks to be focused on my dissertation and my performance! then and only THEN can i start to think about my application form! a form that will determine the next 2 yrs of my life! i tend to look at the big picture…its not my job to look at the big picture…so i guess i also need prayer in the area of concentrating on little chunks of the big picture!

i would love nothing more than to just feel a real sense of peace about my life right now…because i feel very uneasy! i feel stuck! i can’t really explain fully how i feel! for tiny split seconds, life makes sense, then that feeling goes away again and i feel like i crash back into reality! but what even is reality?! why can’t it be perfect peace all of the time!

i guess it will..someday!

thanks!

greensleeves

God answers prayer…!

…Plain and simple!

So I’ve been in a crap mood for a lot of the day and I had to go and give out tea and coffee with other CU members tonight outside the union and i did not want to go! BUT…as ever…God answered prayer! I prayed that he’d change my mood and attitude and the min I made the first cup of tea and saw just how grateful people are for such a simple thing it made me realise just how much God is using us in his world! It is so incredible how many questions people have about God. Whats also amazing about giving tea and coffee is that it makes the Christian Union known to people! I met a girl who is a christian and didn’t know about CU…now she does! So praying that she comes tomorrow night!

I just felt that I really wanted to blog about this! I am happy and excited again! God has brought me out of my doom and gloom attitude and shown me his love and kindness! Shown me that he works in us even when we can’t be assed!!

God answers prayer!

now time for a sleep!!

night all!!

greensleeves!

crap has hit the fan already!

I would be more inclined to say shit has hit the fan…but I didnt want that to be the title of this post…even though that is in fact what I mean!

It has been a stressful few days! I am just out of one of the most depressing and horrible performance classes of my life where we were informed that half of us shouldn’t be there and there will be times when we come out of performance class in tears feeling completely shot down…and this is meant to be productive?! Ok, I’m all for criticism but it needs to be constructive! I personally think that shooting down people’s self confidence and reducing them to tears can at times be completely counter productive!

My degree has been ‘bloody easy’ up until now! 1st and 2nd year are for finding your feet, finding your strengths and examining your weaknesses! Now, this final year s going to be one of the toughest in my academic career! I was excited about getting stuck in but now I am not excited one bit! Yeah I’m trying to stay positive and motivated but I am beginning to find it very hard!

I have 2 performances to do this semester…both 15-20 minutes each and both being evenly weighted in marks! One is at the start of November and the other will be in January! I think this will be the end of my performance career! I don’t think I have enough confidence in myself to carry on with performance and do a 30 minute performance in June and another one in mid semester, probably around easter next year!

It is funny/ANNOYING to think that people have this preconception that a music degree is easy! its a dose! its a cope out! and to be quite honest up until now…I would have been inclined to agree…to some extent! Yeah it still annoyed e when people said it even though I knew they were right! But let this be a warning….anyone who says that a music degree is easy will get a heck of a lot of abuse thrown at them! I will list every single detail of my degree to you and you will listen! because if you think its easy….you are wrong!

I really don’t think I have anything else to say right now except prayers would be very much appreciated right now! For motivation, energy, that y cold clears up and that I get through the next few weeks with out any major glitches in life! Because I don’t think I could possibly deal with any added stress on top of my degree right now!

And if you think I’m being dramatic….don’t tell me because I will hit you! and that is a promise! Even if I don’t know who you are! I will hunt you down!

prayer

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Phil 4:6-7 (The Message)

This is SO true!

I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer recently and about how I totally go through phases of praying loads, being really connected with God and excited about how I’m hearing him and feeling the presence of the Spirit in my life…then there are a few days, maybe even a week or two where I hardly pray at all and it hits me like a tonne of bricks!

When I say prayer, I mean like really praying ya know, like really crying out to God in thanksgiving and praise and also with hurts and through pain!  Like really seeking Him!

And of course there’s a pattern! When I pray sincerely and honestly, I feel closer to God yet when I find myself saying a quick ‘guilt’ prayer, I find that I am just saying mindless words and not engaging and connecting with God. Praying out of guilt doesn’t work and I know this fine rightly, but it doesn’t stop me starting a prayer with ‘Lord, sorry I haven’t prayed in a while!’Ok yes I know I have to say sorry to God for not including in my everyday life, but there is no point in just prayin for the sake of it! I need to mean my apology and often it just becomes a habit to say sorry, when I don’t really think about how sorry I really am!

But…

…when I dive deep into my heart, and share it with God then the connection I feel is amazing and so so real and so should encourage me to do it more!  But why don’t I? Why is it not consistent? If I find so much enjoyment and reassurance in talking to God, why do I go though these phases of ‘quietness’? And why do I always find myself asking these questions?!

Laziness!! There’s always something better to be doing, right?! Like being on facebook, and sending emails, and writing blogs, and putting commas where they shouldn’t be! HA!

Down right laziness! Letting the devil in and not getting rid of him! When you look at life, sometimes it’s so easy to just…live! Obviously, I’m not consciously saying, ‘Yes Satan, please come in and take over my life and my heart and my thoughts of and actions! You’re very welcome here!’ NOOO!!! It is totally a subconscious thing, which is even scarier! The fact that simple things of the world such as TV, internet, even just sitting doing nothing are all opportunities for the devil to take away from my time with God!

These are things I constantly remind myself of! But as ever, I find myself falling back into the same old pattern! There is no doubt that when I truly seek God in my prayer life I am surrendering to him, to his call to pray and share with him and I do truly know His presence which is so reassuring!

When I sit and think about my day, I see so many missed opportunities to talk to my Father, so in future, instead of writing about the missed opportunities, I want to be able to write about the blessings He has given me through spending more time with him throughout each and every day. I hate that it comes and goes! Making a conscious effort to spend time with God isn’t hard! And yet it shouldn’t even be a matter of ‘a conscious effort’! The more we spend time with God, the more we will naturally seek Him, naturally chat away to Him! That is exactly what he wants! And so, as His child I want to please Him!

Thankfully God is merciful and gracious! And blesses me endlessly! And knows my heart because He gave me it!

I could go on forever about prayer in my life, but I’ll not! I’m just so glad to be able to say that God hears my prayers!

He encourages us to pray instead of worrying! To turn our worries and concerns into prayer!

AMAZING!

I’m sure this won’t be the last time I have a little prayer ramble!