My mind has been racing recently about a whole lot of things. One thing in particular being how my life seems to be at a stand still. I have fallen into the mundane trap of being in a routine. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been one for routine and a sense of organisation but right now all I long for is an adventure! Some sort of release! I feel like I am stressing over nothing right now. I don’t really have much to be stressed about and yet I feel like I am in a slight state of turmoil. Everything inside me seems to be screaming about something unsettled going on…but I don’t really know what that something is or how to make sense of it! I just feel this restlessness in my routine! Yes, I had resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be working in my job for the next year or two. Well one year is down , so I guess the ‘or two’ is coming true! But it seems to be consuming a lot of my time! I have also acquired two more flute students, partly because I don’t be able to say no to people and partly because I thought to myself, well I’m going to be around for at least another year, I may as well share my gifts as best and can and earn some extra money in the process.
I thought I was content. I thought I was happy. But it just seems that since February, when my granny died, nothing seems to matter any more! I feel like I have to be strong for my mum and so I don’t really let my emotional grief out. I have no outlet for that! It was six months ago. I keep thinking that surely I should be feeling some sort of healing. I was for a while, but it all just seems to be catching up with me again! I’m also finding it hard to connect with God. It seems that every time I get close to Him, something, from somewhere, or out of nowhere, just blocks my way. I don’t even know what. I just feel distracted and disconnected! This scares me for so many reasons. In a weeks time I am going up to the North Coast to be part of a team that are going to be leading a Holiday Bible Club and to be honest I feel in no way equipped – spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically. I am exhausted and I feel like I am going as a completely broken and lost person right now. But the thing is, I know full well that God uses me in my weakness. As much as I feel disconnected from God, I can still feel His presence and love and reassurance. Which confuses me even more. How can that even be possible? I know God’s love and yet I can’t bring myself to talk to Him. AH!
I’m not so sure if this is even making much sense. My head and heart don’t seem to be making much sense at the minute.
I’m heading down to Greystones tomorrow for a little over night trip to bid farewell to friends I met at the start of June. It will, I’m sure, be bittersweet. I am thankful, though for the friendships I have established. I just pray that they continue, even thought separated by thousands of miles of water and land!
Anyway…for now, to lighten to mood, I will leave you with a little taster of my current favourite musical. It is the sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, ‘Love Never Dies’.
This is ‘Til I hear you sing once more’ performed by the very amazing Ramin Karimloo
