God speaks in a whisper

I am so very thankful and fortunate to be blessed with the gift of music. Anyone who knows me will understand that one of my biggest fears in life is going tone deaf/not being able to pitch or sing a note. WELL…tonight I was at a Matt Redman and LZ7 concert in Belfast and I couldn’t sing a note. I have lost my voice for the first ever! At the start I was like, seriously why am I even here I can’t sing along aaah!I was thinking, how on earth can I worship without a voice?! Then it hit me…in a whisper. I thought well, instead of singing I’ll just whisper the words and it was through that, that God spoke to me. I had a totally different experience of worship and of hearing tonight and it was incredible. The whole way through the night I was reminded of the passage in 1 Kings where God speaks to Elijah, not in wind or the thunder but through a whisper.

I had the wrong attitude. Its not always about the singing…Thank God he changed my heart  and my attitude through a whisper tonight!

So I never thought I’d EVER say this, but tonight I was glad not to be able to sing! :O

greensleeves

thanks jordan… ;)

I got a little text message earlier tonight which spurred me on to write a blog…not that I have much sense to talk but here goes…

Do you know there have actually been so many things I have wanted to blog about over the past while but I feel I’ve lost my ability to articulate well what I want to say!

Ok, so, every so often I find myself going through this mindset of not really feeling like life is real! That my life is real. That I am actually living the life I am currently leading. Does that make sense? It’s almost as if I’m outside of my life watching it but not really taking control of it! I first experienced when I was in second year of uni. There is simply no other way to explain it other than the feeling of watching, rather than doing life!

I don’t really know how to break the cycle! I feel like I am letting this phase of my life pass by, and I’ll start living again come the next chapter so to speak..! And yet, I want nothing more that to take full control! I have fallen into the mundane routine of life…! I am learning everyday that I need to be doing something that it is a little bit unpredictable. Ok, not hugely unpredictable because I am a relatively organised and un-spontaneous person, but I mean the sort of job that has me doing something different everyday!

I’m doing a youth ministry course at the minute and I am loving it and really enjoying learning about youth culture and how to connect and engage in the most effective way possible with young people in youth fellowship and wherever else I meet them. It has also given me a real thirst for youth ministry and that is why I am applying for an internship with the Presbyterian Church for next year. I get the change to do something different (everyday!). I can also see if it is something I enjoy and get a buzz from and could perhaps peruse for the next fews years! I want to be involved in a church and get them excited about young people and get young people excited about church and about Jesus!

I am really praying that God will lead me in the right direction and that I will feel certain and reassured that I am following God’s path for my life. However, sometimes I really struggle to know how to be certain of this but I guess that is a whole other blog topic for a whole other blog entry…

greensleeves

love?

I am starting to really get a sense that God is trying to tell me how much He loves me! Over the past few days, maybe even weeks, I have been reading things in blogs and in daily devotions that are very much specific to God’s love for me. How he looks past my faults and failures and loves me to my very deepest being.

As a human, I really struggle with this concept. I struggle with the thought of a God who could love me…with an unconditional love. I always feel the need to prove myself to people. Not to make myself feel good, but to just feel accepted. I very much feel that in order for people to love me, I need to earn that love. That it’s not the free love that God offers. And so I am often very tempted to compare God’s love to human love! Ridiculous?I know!…but don’t we all do that at some point in our lives, in our weeks, even nearly every day? I know I do!

I remember back at the start of June when I was at Encounter doing an exercise known as Lectio Divina, which is basically meditating on a passage in the Bible that is spoken out loud by someone and listening to see if a specific line or phrase stands out. The passage that was read on this particular morning was from Psalm 63

O God You are my God

earnestly I seek you

My soul thirsts for you

My flesh faints for you

as in a dry and weary land

Where there is no water

The phrase that stood out for me was ‘I seek you’…and not just for the long term plan of my life but every day, each morning, each afternoon, each evening, truly seeking God. Listening for his voice. I really felt that that was what God was telling me to do. This was a powerful experience and I felt peace and joy right there and then. God was simply asking me to trust him for everything, because he loves me, unconditionally! But how easy it has been for me to slip out of that heart and mind set! To let the everyday distractions and frustrations to take over. To let the world tell me that I have to prove myself. That I’m no good!

I’m just so thankful that God is obviously using various methods to communicate the fact that he does love me unconditionally, and that I absolutely have to cling on to the cross! To the promise of His love! And to remember each and every day to focus, to renew my focus and to keep my focus on God!

This was the daily e-votion from Ronald Ovitt that I received in my email yesterday morning…and it got me thinking about actually how blatantly obvious it is that God is reaching out to my unsettled and somewhat lost heart…The title was the first giveaway!

Unconditional Love

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. — For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:1, 38-39 

It is so hard for me to accept the love that God has for me. I want to believe that He loves me with an unconditional love and then I slip up. I fail to do something right, make a mistake, get someone mad at me and my life starts to unravel. The lies begin to fill my head and I find myself hopelessly loss in a system of “works” gone awry. A tyrannical voice banishes me to annihilation. After all, I have fallen from perfection. Does this sound extreme? For so many it is not. We strive for perfection, saying God loves us but in reality we do everything we can to make sure He will love us. We fear that He will reject us if we commit the “unforgivable sin”. The sad truth is, in our perfectionist mindset, every sin is unforgivable. We need to see this for what it is–a lie straight from the pit of Hell itself. The truth is, there is nothing we can do to have Jesus love us one ounce more. At the same time, there is nothing we can do to have Jesus love us one ounce less! Paul’s declaration cuts through our chains, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!” Let the truth of today’s passage set us free-nothing, not even our own mistakes, can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Today, settle it once and for all. Accept the unconditional love that God has for you.

Accept the unconditional love that God has for me! This is my prayer!

greensleeves!

where I’m at…

My mind has been racing recently about a whole lot of things. One thing in particular being how my life seems to be at a stand still. I have fallen into the mundane trap of being in a routine. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been one for routine and a sense of organisation but right now all I long for is an adventure! Some sort of release! I feel like I am stressing over nothing right now. I don’t really have much to be stressed about and yet I feel like I am in a slight state of turmoil. Everything inside me seems to be screaming about something unsettled going on…but I don’t really know what that something is or how to make sense of it! I just feel this restlessness in my routine! Yes, I had resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be working in my job for the next year or two. Well one year is down , so I guess the ‘or two’ is coming true! But it seems to be consuming a lot of my time! I have also acquired two more flute students, partly because I don’t be able to say no to people and partly because I thought to myself, well I’m going to be around for at least another year, I may as well share my gifts as best and can and earn some extra money in the process.

I thought I was content. I thought I was happy. But it just seems that since February, when my granny died, nothing seems to matter any more! I feel like I have to be strong for my mum and so I don’t really let my emotional grief out. I have no outlet for that! It was six months ago. I keep thinking that surely I should be feeling some sort of healing. I was for a while, but it all just seems to be catching up with me again! I’m also finding it hard to connect with God. It seems that every time I get close to Him, something, from somewhere, or out of nowhere,  just blocks my way. I don’t even know what. I just feel distracted and disconnected! This scares me for so many reasons. In a weeks time I am going up to the North Coast to be part of a team that are going to be leading a Holiday Bible Club and to be honest I feel in no way equipped – spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically. I am exhausted and I feel like I am going as a completely broken and lost person right now. But the thing is, I know full well that God uses me in my weakness. As much as I feel disconnected from God, I can still feel His presence and love and reassurance. Which confuses me even more. How can that even be possible? I know God’s love and yet I can’t bring myself to talk to Him. AH!

I’m not so sure if this is even making much sense. My head and heart don’t seem to be making much sense at the minute.

I’m heading down to Greystones tomorrow for a little over night trip to bid farewell to friends I met at the start of June. It will, I’m sure, be bittersweet. I am thankful, though for the friendships I have established. I just pray that they continue, even thought separated by thousands of miles of water and land!

Anyway…for now, to lighten to mood, I will leave you with a little taster of my current favourite musical. It is the sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, ‘Love Never Dies’.

This is ‘Til I hear you sing once more’ performed by the very amazing Ramin Karimloo

Jesus changed my life

I am just back from two wonderful weeks in Greystones with a group of amazing people. One of our little adventures was walking from Greystones to Bray over the Bray Head mountain! It was beautiful and full of so many metaphors of the Christian walk. For example, being able to see our destination (which just so happened to be a cross at the top of the mountain) one minute and the next minute it was hidden but dips in the mountain and trees and different things that just got in the way, but we knew it was there and we kept going til we made it! Just like real life I guess. Keeping our eyes on Jesus isn’t always easy, but we know he is always there and when we really look for him, we will find him.

Another one was the fact that there was a group of about 15 of us doing the walk. At some points we were walking alone, other times we were with one or two other people keeping us going and chatting away and enjoying the journey together. Again, just like the Christian walk. Some days, weeks even months, we can feel like we are all alone, noone to talk to or confide in and other times we are surrounded by friends and feel loved and secure.

Anyway, so we were on our way back and I just realised how much God has worked in my heart over the past 2 years since I last did Encounter and to be perfectly honest, every time I think about how much Jesus has changed my life I can’t help but smile. Two years ago I was this person who couldn’t deal with mess in her life. Now, I am getting better at embracing and handing it over to God. Sort of…! emphasis on ‘getting better’…

I have a real sense of ease right now that I am where I’m supposed to be right now! I do have a feeling that I’ll not be in Northern Ireland forever, but for now I am very happy working away in this coffee shop, using every opportunity I get to love people and have a little chat! Who could ask for a better job when you’re just out of uni?! How can I not be thankful and content in that right now?

greensleeves

heart abandoned and soul surrendered!

Hillsong United – ‘The Stand’

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I’ll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

in awe of God’s wonderful grace and love…

greensleeves

epiphany

I have to admit I have never really thought about life or Christianity in such a way as this… That when you become a Christian you start living eternally. Eternal life begins the very minute you receive Jesus and your Saviour. WOW! Yes you still go through the trials of everyday life and you have to die, unless Jesus returns before then, but you have the promise of life forever from that very moment!

When I sat and thought about it, I actually didn’t know why I hadn’t thought about it before, I mean it makes perfect sense really. I guess I’d just always thought of eternal life as something that happens when I die…like my reward! But my reward has already started! And as a Christian and follower of Jesus it is my goal and my life’s mission and desire to share him with as my people as I possibly can! Why wouldn’t I want to share that promise and hope with everyone!

I have also never thought in depth about where my citizenship really lies until I was studying Philippians 3 with my home group tonight. What does it mean for my citizenship to be in Heaven?!

Put simply…I am passing through this earth to get to Heaven, where I belong! WOW!

More thoughts on this will hopefully follow…

Greensleeves!

I love how God has other plans!

Nearly two years ago, summer of ’09, I did a team in Greystones/Dublin called Encounter! It was one of the most challenging, emotional and heart changing months of my life. This was the tenth summer it had taken place and at the point it was going to be the last one. Then a few weeks ago I heard that there was going to be an Encounter ’11. Immediately I wrote the idea of going off because it was four weeks and too much time to get off work and just didn’t really seem like it was a possibility. Of course, as ever, I didn’t pray about it before making this decision. I just decided for myself it’ll not work out, it’ll be when my bosses are on holiday so I’ll have no chance of getting anytime off work.

Well…this weekend I was at an Encounter Reunion/Retreat! A weekend to recharge and relax while being able to catch up with people, meet new people and chat and discuss how God is working and challenging us in our lives. And of course the plans for Encounter ’11 were mentioned once or twice. Every time it was mentioned a felt a real stir in my heart. Then I discovered that it was actually a week earlier. I immediately started to think and pray about it and I talked at length to the organiser of the programme this year about my experiences in ’09 and about the possibility of going again, not so much as an intern this time but as staff. As someone who has been through the programme before and can share my experiences with this years interns. I got very excited! It is not a certainty yet because I haven’t talked to my boss about time off yet but I’m just excited to see how God worked my heart this weekend! How he made me realise that I don’t get the final say in my decisions! It filled me with a sense of peace and assurance that he has it planned and sorted! I don’t have to worry about what is coming next, whether it be short term or long term!

I read this this morning:

When I embrace God’s journey for me,

• I trust where I am as he navigates me.

• I stay engaged through my obedient relationship with him.

• I savor the hills and valleys of the journey.

• I share the journey with others.

 

This is my prayer…that I will be able to do these things everyday! Submit to God’s ways because his ways are perfect!

 

A very relaxed and happy greensleeves

 

coffee and dreams…

I decided that I was going to use this year to take a back seat on making the decisions for my life’s path and let God show me where He wants me to go…

As I mentioned in my last post, its not looking to music-related, not at the moment anyway!

It is amazing how much I have learned about my character just from being in a full-time job for 8 months. I am organised, efficient, stubborn, hot-headed, well mannered, courteous, a perfectionist, impatient…all in one day …the list goes on and is a mixture of positive and negatives! But they are all driving me in the direction of a Masters in Business Management!

I have very quickly grown to love my job. Working in a coffee shop, making people coffee and being able to chat to our customers and share a friendly smile with most of them is a joy and has given me the desire to continue to want to work in coffee shops for possibly the rest of my life, and who knows, maybe one day…i’ll…open…my..own….

 

greensleeves

Happy New Year everyone!

2011…who could believe it?! For the first time in my life, I don’t have a rough plan for the year and I’s pretty weird! I am trying to learn more and more each day to trust God! It proves harder than many people make it look! This is the first Christmas in a long time where I havent had o do coursework or revise! It has been weird – that is all I’ve known Christmas holidays to be! Even though I only had 2 days off work, I felt I didnt make the most of them! I also spend one of the nights in casualty with my granny! 10 hours later she was admitted! That brings me to another rant!

I dont understand why a breathless and agonised 86 year old lady would be kept waiting for 10 hours over night to be at least given a bed! There were plenty of beds when we finally got her to the ward and there is no way that all those beds became free in the middle of the night at exactly the same time! I very much doubt patients would be discharged at 4am to go home…! I understand that the health service is under pressure with staff cuts and all the rest of it but I can’t understand why, especially at a time of year when A&E departments are renowned for being extremely busy that they dont take that advanced knowledge to be better prepared! It took 5 hours for her to be even taken in to triage to be seen, it took a further hour for her xray to be done and a further half hour for a doctor to come and tell her the problem and then inform her that she had to see the surgical team who were in the City Hospital that night and that an ambulance could transfer her but it would be a few hours! From the Royal to the City approximately 5 mins in a car at 1:30am…a lot faster in an ambulance because they can drive faster…! Anyway… my mum and I just took her over! To find 3 ambulances parked outside! 3! How could once of them not done that fast little trip?! Anyway…long story short, she is in hospital now and just remaining the same! Being monitored and it is just a matter of waiting to see what teyre gonna go! Not the most satisfactory service but what can ya do?! Pray I guess!! My prayer is that she is kept as comfortable as possible and looked after! She is much happier knowing that there are people around her keeping an eye on her!

Prayers are very much appreciated!

Greensleeves!