After spending a most relaxing weekend in beautiful Maynooth with beautiful and kind hosts I found myself having a lot of time and space to think about a few issues that I’ve had on my mind and heart for a few months now. Being able to talk openly with these guys about what the church is and how we, as people, as Christians more to the point, are called to be in community as a church was so liberating and definitely very worthwhile. Being part of a church is part of who we were created to be. To not go to church and have the experience of community and of feeling the intimacy of the Holy Spirit being right there with us, filling us up with love and peace and joy and worship is just crap! And thats pretty much how I’m feeling right now! I’m finding at the minute that I’m simply going through the motions. I’m not feeling the sense of being fully engaged with my church because I just feel this complete emptiness about it. I feel dead when I’m in church! I don’t feel joy, I don’t feel peace, I don’t feel a sense of worship! And I’m realising that it is starting to destroy my relationship with God. I understand that church does not determine how good a Christian I am, but it does make a difference.
If we think of church as people meeting together to study God’s word, to listen to teaching and to worship the One who created us, I am just not feeling that. I stand and try to sing songs, I try to listen for God’s voice and I almost find myself shutting off from the rest of the church body because they are just distracting me from worship. It is almost as if I can feel the judgement from them for leaving the band. I don’t enjoy church. It makes me bitter and angry. It all seems so fake!
I guess it’s true that as we grow up we see more of the shit in the world. We see the legalistic side of the church. This is something I’m really battling with! I just really think there is far too much over thinking going on! Whatever happened to just praising and worshipping our God? And why do churches always seem to be in constant competition? Who has the better building? Who has the best coffee? Who has the biggest numbers? Who has the best worship band?! Since when did that become what church is all about? Right now that is how I’m feeling? Why do people not read the bible? Why do they not pray and meditate together over God’s word! What has happened?! This is leaving me very confused and also a little scared! I’m scared to make the decision to move churches because I’m beginning to doubt my reasons! The bottom line is that I feel dead in my church and I only have to travel 5 mins down the road to feel a completely different kind of church service! One with quite obvious passion and love and worship and realness! Realness is what I long for! I long to be able to be myself in church! To cry if i’m filled with emotion. To raise my hand in worship if I feel led to do so! To share my heart with God!
Having been away for 3 years and I am finding it hard to settle back in! I have changed as a person! I have grown in my faith and my relationship with God but I feel like I have hit a brick wall at full speed…and I’m beginning to now peel myself off the wall but instead of climbing over it, I’m stumbling backward!
Ramble over…thoughts welcome!
Greensleeves!
