numbers

You did not choose me, But I chose you and appointed you yo go and bear fruit – fruit that will last!

John 15:16

I have been challenged recently about the size of the youth group that I help lead in church. But challenged more in a defensive way. We have a small group of about 12-15 kids that regularly attend yf. I constantly feel, though, that I make excuses for it being so small. I hear of other churches having loads and loads of young people and loads of youth leaders and my defense mechanism shoots up immediately and defend and justify why we have so few when really the bottom line is, numbers do not matter!

I am reading a book called ‘Fruit that will Last’ by Tim Hawkins. In one of the early chapters he talks about how very often youth leaders compare numbers with eachother, and generally in secret because generally speaking, and secretly speaking, every youth leader wants a bigger youth group whether they can admit it or not. I’m not saying that having a huge youth group is a bad thing, by no means. Young people are the next generation of the church and nurturing them in a healthy environment where they have a community of other Christians their age is so important. But that’s just it…community! Communities don’t necessarily have to be a large number of people. Aren’t relationships just as important as numbers? Don’t get me wrong either, I would love for our youth group to grow in numbers, but more so in fruit. I long for their relationship with God to grow and deepen and be one that will bear fruit that will last. Fruit is more important that numbers! Then it turns into a bit of a cycle really, the more fruit, the more confidence in God and the more bold they become to step out in faith and reach out to people and not be ashamed of the Gospel!

God doesn’t care how many are in your group, but God cares incredibly about the quality of your fruit.

         Tim Hawkins

it’s 1:30am

i am cold and my mind is racing with thoughts about my future…and i absolutely cannot fall asleep!! in fairness i only tried to go to sleep about 15 minutes ago, but nonetheless, the minute i turned my light off, my mind starting racing. thoughts and fears about finishing uni, more closely, finishing this semester! i have a dissertation and a final performance, both of which i am extremely nervous about. the progress with the dissertation is slow and my piece for my performance is also making slow progress…at least its making progress i hear you optimists say!

In 5 months time i will be finished uni, in 7 months time i will hopefully graduate, and in 9 months time one of my best friends is getting married. she has asked me to be her bridesmaid and i have very happily and joyfully accepted!! the problem is…i cant fully get excited about her wedding because i don’t know if i will be able to make it. now this is jumping way ahead of anything here but i may as well tell you, my faithful readers, that i am applying for a job…in…china! i don’t know what Gods will is for my life, but i know that i was told about this job, i didn’t just find it by accident, and i believe that by faith i will apply for it and see how God leads me! the thought of living and teaching in china excites the life out of me and terrifies the life out of me all at the same time! but lets get back to reality here, i havent even filled out my application form yet! never mind got an interview so it is all a long way (sort of!) off! deadline for application is 22nd feb! i intend to get stuck into my form at the start of next semester…25th jan onwards! if im successful at application stage, the interviews are 8th/9th march…the rest is the future and only God is in control of that!!

so i guess now that ive told you all that id really appreciate you’re prayers! anyone that knows me will know that i worry a little…a lot!! i struggle a lot with putting things to the back of my mind and concentrating on the present, and right now thats what i need to do! i need the next 2-3 weeks to be focused on my dissertation and my performance! then and only THEN can i start to think about my application form! a form that will determine the next 2 yrs of my life! i tend to look at the big picture…its not my job to look at the big picture…so i guess i also need prayer in the area of concentrating on little chunks of the big picture!

i would love nothing more than to just feel a real sense of peace about my life right now…because i feel very uneasy! i feel stuck! i can’t really explain fully how i feel! for tiny split seconds, life makes sense, then that feeling goes away again and i feel like i crash back into reality! but what even is reality?! why can’t it be perfect peace all of the time!

i guess it will..someday!

thanks!

greensleeves

the beauty that music can reveal

I was walking back to the house there after practicing and Psalm 23 from Rutter’s Requiem came on my ipod!

It is just amazing how music can bring such real meaning to very familiar words! Very often it is the verses about walking through dark times and the Lord always being with me that i remember most and focus on from this passage, but today…I listened to how well Rutter has illustrated all the verses through his choral writing, and the one verse that stood out to me most was verse 6:

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Amazing! That one day we will be with the Lord in Heaven, no more worrying, no more suffering, no more crying, no more pain, just us and our Heavenly Father! This is a very strong and real promise!

I love how music, being a gift from God, can be used in such a beautiful and helpful way!

Here’s a video of the movement from Rutter’s Requiem!

sorry for the cheesy video…but thats youtube for ya!

greensleeves

trust your confusion

ok so go with me as i type, think and get confused all at the same time…

my class this morning was really very interesting. for maybe the first time i actually got excited about an assignment! so i generally hate irish trad music, i don’t really know why, i just don’t really find it very interesting. anyway funnily enough that’s what my assignment’s about. but its meant to be done in an entirely different way that an ordinary essay! so we’ve to keep a journal for the next few weeks on our thought process for each class and our outside work about things we read and the research that we do.

so firstly, a journal? honestly i love nothing more than having a good rant in my journal, writing down what i’m thinking about and how i’m feeling, and thats exactly what we have to do for this assignment, only it obviously has to be in the context of music, more specifically, the irish trad genre! but being able to express freely my feelings of confusion and understanding and how i come to that understanding all in one essay?! wooow!! it’ll be interesting, challenging, but i think one assignment that might actually come naturally. a lot of people in my class are quite angry about this particular assignment because theres no official title to the work, but i think thats perfect! totally self directed learning! obviously, if we’re completely stuck our lecturer is there to give us questions to make us think about issues and what not but still…freedom to dive into the literature and draw on our own thoughts! make the most of it! it counts and it is an honest piece of work that can be so personal and im so excited about it…even though it is primarily and essentially about irish trad music…

trust your confusion because it brings realisation to your thoughts. if we’re never confused, we would never think because everything would be so straight forward and easy…and where’s the fun in that! so i guess its about finding the positives in the confusion.

and…this doesn’t just apply music! when i think about it, when i’m confused about something, i think about it! I know i think about things way too much, and it is generally when they confuse me! but still…its good to think about things!

this post is starting to confuse me!!

its comforting to know that its ok to be confused! confused about anything, because that sets off our thought process and we can begin to work things out and really begin to understand!

this class got me thinking a lot of my faith and about how ‘confusing’ it is! but also, i started to think that it is in the confused moments of my life that i ask questions and seek answers! i question (often) what God’s will for my life is, and right now i just dont know what it is or where my life is goin and i am left (often!!) very confused, but that just leads me to ask more questions, think more and seek God more, which essentially is what i want my life to be about!! seeking God, and especially seeking God in the confusion! I just really love how my musicology class this morning got me thinking about everything in my life, not just ‘music’!

my previous entry poses a very important question…what is ‘music’? what is anything if not merely a term? we use very broad and very wide sweeping terms for things (things being yet another example of this) and this also leads to confusion! being specific about what you are talking about is the first step to working out of the confusion…i think anyway!!

right…im well and truly confused now!! im also sipping lemsip and feelin rather crappy so im off to finish it and go to bed!!

questions!

It is amazing how many questions people have about faith and God and Christianity. I have become so much more aware of these questions and doubts that people have while giving out tea and coffee on a Monday night outside the students union. But one question in particular has really made me think because I think sometimes it’s something that I often think about as well. It was a question about faith…When people are the sorta people who need answers straight away, how can they believe in God?

I am personally very glad that I wasn’t asked this question but I overheard the conversation but I have to admit sometimes I find myself asking this very thing! Like I know   as Christians we ‘walk by faith and not by sight’ and that is all very well but sometimes it is a very hard thing to explain, even to myself and I do find that I struggle with it a lot and I am blessed to have Jesus as my Saviour already so how do you go about trying to explain this to a non Christian!?

There are so many things in my life that affirm that faith is the way forward and that God provides and everything is in His hands and His timing is perfect, but…why is it sometimes so hard to rest in that?! And when we think we are resting in it, are we really? Or is it a superficial ‘rest’ and really we are in turmoil inside!? When one thing or another goes belly up and I find myself lost and I turn to God, am I really trusting? I guess these are questions that only I can answer, but it is the niggly wee thoughts in the background that make me question things that I am finding hard to deal with!

Hmm…these are just things that have been on my mind…and I guess hearing other people ask similar questions has forced me to think about it even more!
Comments and thoughts most welcome on this one!

greensleeves

Rejoice! :)

I spent this afternoon with a group of shall we say older ladies from my church sharing my experiences of Encounter with them! Words really don’t describe their response to what I had to say! It is extremely humbling to know that these ladies take time to pray for me and encourage me when they see me in church and being given the opportunity to share briefly with them what I did at the start of the summer and also share with them how God is working in my life, helping me grow in my faith, challenging me to take ‘risks’ and seek new opportunities and try new things is nothing less than an absolute privilege and pleasure! And I read today in Ecclesiastes 9:7 that God takes pleasure in our pleasure…so my enjoyment in talking about my life is also pleasing to God which is pleasing to me…oh the happy circles of life eh!?

It was also great to be able to encourage them to enjoy their little community each thursday and really take advantage of the safe fellowship they can have was so amazing. Again my excitement about community flows out!

I’m excited! I have a genuine excitement about life! Even though the next year could be potentially the most stressful so far, I’m excited! I’m excited to see how God will stretch me, how I will enjoy relying on him, seeking His purpose, giving him my daily worries, and also daily praise because he takes my weaknesses and turns them into his opportunities so that the Glory goes to Him! Words of a song by Graham Kendrick and what powerful words they are…that God uses us when we are strong AND when we are weak because we are his children and he wants us to seek our full potential no matter how we are feeling!

In fact…I think I’ll share the whole song with you! Cheesy as some think it is…the words are so amazing…so powerful, and I think should be our prayer and something we consciously think about as we live our life!

Rejoice! Rejoice! Christ is in you
The hope of glory in our hearts
He lives! He lives! His breath is in you
Arise a mighty army! We arise

Now is the time for us to march upon the land
Into our hands He will give the ground we claim
He rides in majesty to lead us into victory
The world shall see that Christ is Lord!

God is at work in us His purpose to perform
Building a kingdom of power not of words
Where things impossible by faith shall be made possible
Let’s give the glory to Him now

Though we are weak, His grace is everything we need
We’re made of clay but this treasure is within
He turns our weaknesses into His opportunities
So that the glory goes to Him

Graham Kendrick

I could highlight it all because it is so powerful but the bits I have emphasised I think stand out the most for me! And I’m excited! Excited almost for the unknown!

I don’t know what God has in store for my life…but I’m excited! For anyone that knows me, they will know that I am NOT spontaneous! I need plans, I need to know when things are happening in advance! But I think God is slowly changing that in me! Making me rest in the present and not worry about the future! Because God is in control…I am living for HIS purpose!

So, I’m heading away on a youth weekend, wont be about for a few days and remember…I’ll be starting my 365 on monday hopefully! Probably have a little link on this page…it’ll be on my blogroll!

bye for now!

x

God’s faithfulness

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this summer! Part of me cannot believe how fast it has gone and yet another huge part of me can’t believe I’m not back to uni yet! It has been a summer of meeting new people and spending time reflecting on life and how God is working and changing me!

At the start of the summer I went on a discipleship team called Encounter in Greystones Co Wicklow. This is one of the most memorable and life changing teams and experiences I’ve ever been part of. I met so many people and was able to share experiences with them and let them into my life and talk and pray about challenges that I have faced and am going to face in the future. This taught me a lot about community. I know I’ve talked a lot about community recently but that is because I have learnt so much about the importance of it in my life, in anyone’s life! To have a community of people who you can open up to and share with is such a blessing, even if you don’t see them very often, knowing that they are just an email or phone call away is so special!

I was away on this team for a month and I truly believe that God put me there so that I could meet new people and be able to chat to them and learn so much more about how God wants to move me forward in my faith and how he challenges me in ways that I could never really imagine. Also I think I was in a place in my life where I just wasn’t feeling connected to anything, I was just floating along in life and somehow that needed to change and God obviously knew that and encounter did change me…not that I am a new person or anything, it just made me realise so much about how I’d been acting, how I’d not been taking my life seriously or literally, just sorta watching it go by! It was weird, for the first 2 weeks of encounter I’m pretty sure I cried nearly everyday! Sometimes happy tears, sometimes sad and painful tears, but all because God was breaking and softening my heart and I am SO thankful that he did! I think it’s an important thing to always pray about, that God would show us our hearts, like really open us up to ourselves so we know how to deal with things!

Anyway so I came home from that in the middle of July and was house sitting for 2 weeks. I was feeling pretty weird! I’d just come from an amazing month of community to find myself alone in a big house for 2 weeks! It had its pros and cons I guess! Yeah it was lonely and I missed everyone BUT it was a perfect opportunity for reflection and prayer and stillness! And having a free house meant plenty of time and space for little small reunions!

So I just sorta floated a long, always in the back of my mind thinking about how I needed a job…crap! But here we are…2 months later and I still don’t have one! But God is good and he’s gotta plan! I had applied for one job but didn’t get it! It sucks that after four years of having a job and having some money go into my bank every month it no longer happens! Aw well…just have to cut down my diet coke addiction! Which I think I’m managing to do quite well really…one 2x330mls today! AND I didnt have a single drop yesterday!! woop!!

Anyway…so not a lot else really happened all summer! A lot of babysitting and house sitting and dog sitting and all the rest of it! The odd little trip to portstewart and a LOT of catching up and hanging out with friends…drinking coffee and diet coke! If I had gotten a job straight away there would not have been as much time for these chats and catch ups and so I feel that God wanted me to be free to chat to people because He knows that’s what I needed…the job will come in time! I have faith that God will provide…yeah maybe I need to seek a little more…be more practical…I will someday!HA!

Now it’s time to get ready for uni…for final year! EEEK!!! Like…in the past few years God has taken me waaaay outta my comfort zone! Firstly with the whole going away to uni thing…I never in a million years thought I could but I did…not knowing a single person going to Magee when I applied…but through the summer I met people who are now my housemates and 2 of my best friends! God provides! Then a trip to Japan and even that was with people I knew…to a month away in Dublin where I only knew 2 people out of 35ish! But every single time God has been faithful and I have benefited from it…I haven’t always seen these benefits and good things at the time, but looking back I can see that God’s ways are perfect!

He never fails us.

He loves us too much to let us hurt for too long!

He reveals Himself in ways that sometimes we just have to seek!

I’m getting excited to see what He has in store for me next! Where else He’s going to take me, in or out of my comfort zone, I don’t care because I know He is faithful!

But for now…I just need to get rid of this horrible cold that is causing my face to be slightly puffy and extremely unattractive! Made worse by the constant flow of snot coming from my nose and my highly unattractive breathing technique I’ve got going n! BOKE!

I love blogging!

Good night!
x

tattoos…

So recently, I’ve been thinking about getting a little tattoo…and im thinking a little cross with 2 Cor. 5:7 up the side of it…simply to remind myself that I am living my life by faith! Its funny though because at the same time a huge part of me is scared of what people will think if I have get a tattoo…but why?! This is an insecurity in me which has come to the surface a lot recently…that I am scared of what people think of me…again why?! Why should I really care!? Is a tattoo really that wrong? Yeah the Bible talks about not scarring your body…in The Old Testament…but Jesus came to set us free from sin, he died so that we wouldn’t be bound by the law so we can have freedom to live a life of faith and confidence in the knowledge that God loves us and is totally for us!

The other question is…where to get it?! hmm…! I’m thinking my left wrist…simply because its not as visible as my right when I play the flute! I’ll not be ashamed of my tattoo (if I even get it) but I don’t want people to be like staring at it while I play…!

ah…we’ll see!!

in the blink of an eye

It’s been a busy day of cleaning the house and getting ready for the return of the parents from holidays! Making sure the washing and ironing is up-to-date, the kitchen is tidy, the bathroom is clean and the dishes are done! In the process of washing the dishes, I was separating two glasses which had gotten stuck one inside the other, I managed to break one of them and cut my right thumb and my left index finger…but alas I live to tell the tale! Thumb has a tigger plaster on it and finger is survivng with no coverage!

Sometimes life seems hard, hard in the sense that I go about doing meaningless tasks ask myself why I really bother doing them?! I mean who really needs to separate 2 glasses when the danger of breaking them was perfectly predictable…yet here we are…a but thumb and index finger later! (Note to self…leave glasses that are stuck together…stuck together! )Ok so I have to say now that I am very thankful to never have had the experience of losing a loved one so I can’t really talk about life being hard in that sense, but I do have my share of struggles with other things when life just seems to be too much! High expectations from other people and sometimes I feel like running away and living my life completely for myself!

Selfish?!

But then we must realise that our struggles on earth won’t last forever! Compared to eternity, life on earth happens in the blink of an eye! And I am to live my life only for God!

I’ve just this minute finished reading God on Mute by Pete Grieg…a really inspiring and thought provoking read about unanswered prayer and throughout the book Pete talks about the struggles on earth but how God reminds him that our struggles and pain are all part of our growth in faith and how yes our bodies may grow old and are dying everyday but how exciting to think that every single day we live on earth God is renewing our spirit! Eugene Petterson puts it like this

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.” (2 Cor 4:16-18)

I don’t know about you, but this excites the ‘small potatoes’ out of me!! Don’t get me wrong, when life sucks all I want to do at times is curl up in a ball and wait for the crap to pass and ignore God…but let’s face it, God generally doesn’t let me give up!

But, that crap is here today and gone tomorrow! God’s grace is here today AND here tomorrow! and God helps me through the crap.

And he is preparing a place in Heaven for me!

when I grow up…

Do you ever have one of those moments where everything just clicks…like for a split milli second everything seems to make sense! and then…it disappears again!! and confusion sets in…but itys those moments that we need to cling to!! its those moments when God is speaking to us that we need to remember and hold on to and SEEK!

Someone asked me once, ‘what is God teaching you these days?!’ and ever since they asked me…I often ask myself! and recently God has been teaching me to wait…to wait on Him, not to rush my life but to live everyday as it comes…as it comes from Him! I realised not so long ago that I was almost not so much living my life but more…getting ready to live my life…planning for the future as if I was not yet living, planning for ‘when I grown up’ but then I realised What?! this is real life right now! and I’m missing out on things that I need not be missing out on! missing out on opportunities to talk about God, to spend quality time with friends and to live the life that God is giving me…right now! there’s plenty of time to get ready for ‘when i grow up’ but that doesn’t mean that I’m not living ‘real life’ right now!

So, I’m holding on as tightly as I can to those moments where God speaks right into my heart and everything makes sense, because that’s what makes life…life!