ambition

what is ambition?! what is it based on? what is it measured by?! what does it depend on?!
so i graduated from my youth ministry course tonight and was chatting to someone after who asked me what i was up to and when i said i worked in a coffee shop he asked me if i had any ambition?! what does that even mean? is it not enough to be working full time?! is it not enough to be very interested and involved in the ministry in my church on a voluntary basis? right now my ambition definitely isnt career driven, its not success based…my ambition is simply to be open and ready for what God has  planned for me and calls me to do! is that enough!? is that ok? the world would probably say no! but i choose to believe that it is enough because Jesus is enough!!

greensleeves

passions in life

I think I’m losing my love for music! There, I said it!! But I think it’s because music has been pushed way down as a priority in my life. My life is full, but music is missing. I came to this realisation last night when I was reading BBC Music Magazine and I read a quote ‘this is what the music should be about’ and it got me thinking…

When I was doing my degree I was on the music wavelength. I was being challenged and stretched to think about what music is and what makes music ‘good’. Questions like that are important and they can be applied to anything in life. What makes life good? What makes a relationship good? And my personal answer is what you put into it. Music is music because of the person or people playing it…working together to make it emotive, expressive and explosive! Life is life because we live it…we make it emotive, expressive and explosive and relationships very much depend and survive on how much (or little) we work at them and put into them. 

 I want to be challenged by music again. I want to have the time to listen to music and think about what makes it ‘music’. I want to have the time to read BBC music Magazine and Classic FM magazine (call me what you like..!!). The reading of said magazines is a guilty pleasure! I wish I’d discovered them at uni! I don’t want to be the girl who did a music degree and lost her passion 2 years later…I want my passion for music back! 

I also want my passion for life back. Not that I have lost it entirely but I can feel myself burning out day by day. Having returned from Kenya just 3 weeks ago, I feel like the burn of that time away is beginning to catch up on me and it stings! I feel like an emotionless being who is going though the motions of life…eat-work-eat-sleep…and occasionally pray…! I want it to be pray-eat-pray-work-pray-eat-pray-sleep! Obviously not as regimented as that but what I’m saying is I need God to infiltrate into my every minute of my very being. I want to be in constant conversation with Him. That is my desire and I want i to be my life force and my passion!

 

a contemplative greensleeves!

God speaks in a whisper

I am so very thankful and fortunate to be blessed with the gift of music. Anyone who knows me will understand that one of my biggest fears in life is going tone deaf/not being able to pitch or sing a note. WELL…tonight I was at a Matt Redman and LZ7 concert in Belfast and I couldn’t sing a note. I have lost my voice for the first ever! At the start I was like, seriously why am I even here I can’t sing along aaah!I was thinking, how on earth can I worship without a voice?! Then it hit me…in a whisper. I thought well, instead of singing I’ll just whisper the words and it was through that, that God spoke to me. I had a totally different experience of worship and of hearing tonight and it was incredible. The whole way through the night I was reminded of the passage in 1 Kings where God speaks to Elijah, not in wind or the thunder but through a whisper.

I had the wrong attitude. Its not always about the singing…Thank God he changed my heart  and my attitude through a whisper tonight!

So I never thought I’d EVER say this, but tonight I was glad not to be able to sing! :O

greensleeves

‘this-time-last-year’

So for the past few weeks I have been living in the mindset of the title of this post. This time last year my granny was living her last days, mostly in hospital with the occasional day at home. I feel like I have been living with this raw pain for the past few weeks. I can’t quite describe how I feel. I am still full of grief. I wrote shortly after she died  about how I didn’t understand the grieving process and that I needed structure…I needed to know when it would all just go away and everything would be ok. Some days I do find myself drawing from the strength of God but I really have noticed that it isn’t consistent. I am not consistent in seeking God and relying on him and trusting him to comfort me amidst the pain. My granny was a huge part of my life. Not a single day goes past were I don;t think about her. Sometimes I can even hear her voice. Some of things I say to people I got from her, and I have a vivid image of her in my mind which I pray I never lose.

Last weekend I had a very real and I guess somewhat painful flashback of the day she died. I mean likes if it literally was happening all over again! It wasn’t a dream, or even a day dream! One minute I was sitting on my bed reading and the next minute I was literally back to the 16th Feb 2011, sitting outside the City Hospital on the phone to my friend telling her that my granny was probably going to die in the next few hours.

I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if it’s ok to be sad this week. If it’s ok to miss her! If it’s ok to think back over the past year with sadness at the loss of a wonderful and inspirational woman. I feel like that because I’m a Christian, I should be ok! How messed up is that?! But that is what is screaming inside me…but I’m NOT ok. I am hurting like its ‘this time last year’ again!! I know that God took her home, that isn’t were my sadness comes from. I simply miss her! I’m not angry that she died, I’m glad that her suffering ended, and ended pretty peacefully with her family around her bedside, but I am sad that she isn’t hear. There is SO much I want to tell her. I want to just talk to her, go to her house and have egg and chips and watch Andre Rieu with her. It hurts. It hurts that I can’t do that and it hurts that I’m so distracted by the events of this time last year!

This is what I wrote in my journal during church this morning…this is what is on my heart…

I’m sad that I haven’t had her for a whole year. The past few weeks have been a process of ‘this time last year’s’. It has been a painful few weeks. I think that is perhaps why I am so distracted and so overwhelmed. But I am not trusting God completely. I am finding that yes every so often I ask God for help, but I am definitely not submitting and surrendering to him. I need God! I need to be filled with his grace and love and HOPE. This week is going to be hard. I need the comfort of God to get me through. Father – I need you! I cry out to you!’

That pretty much pinpoints exactly how I feel right at this very moment! I’m a little (big) bit lost and lonely!

greensleeves

 

thankful

I’m so thankful for friends! And I love that even though I don;t see a lot of my friends on a regular basis, we can pretty much pick up where we left off. I used to hate the whole idea of life being a constant catch up with people, but tonight I had a great catch up with a great friend and it was just reminded how special my friends are to me!

So…friends, near and far...greensleeves loves ya!  

xx

and sending you all one of these…

love

In work today, I got this picture of true love. There was a couple sitting having lunch together, totally and utterly in love with each other. They weren’t at all ‘all over each other’ or even really overly touchy feely, but they held each others attention, they were the only people or things that mattered to them at that very moment, they looked deeply into each other’s eyes and they looked so contented with each other. It was beautiful. It touched my heart. They were just two perfect strangers to me. But they caught my attention and filled my heart with a strangely warm and fuzzy feeling and gave me hope that love is real and it is out there, somewhere. It got me excited to love, not even just romantically, but to love my family, my friends, my customers…and most importantly, to love Jesus!

 

 

That’s what I love about my job. I get the chance to notice how people relate to one another. I get the chance to people watch (one of my favourite pass-times) and take in just how many different personalities there are about the place. 

Today, I feel full of love for people! And I want it to continue! 

greensleeves

Sun and Moon

I was out walking (in the rain) tonight enjoying some ‘me’ time and thinking time. I purchased Phil Wickham’s latest album today so also had a chance to listen to it. It drowned out the noise of the rain beating off my hood anyway…

This song really stood. I want it to be my prayer… it’s called Sun and Moon. Read the words…

If you are the sun, then I wanna be the moon. I wanna reflect the light that shines from you. And if this is war, then I’m gonna draw my sward. This time I know what I am fighting for. 

God I wanna let you know I want everything you are. I’m waiting for the morning light to show a fire in the dark. Shine your light. I wanna feel you now. God, I need a miracle. Take my heart. Make it glow. Shine your light from the inside out. I wanna be more like you. If you are the sun, then I wanna be the moon.  I wanna be the moon.

If love is a choice, then I need you to hear my voice. I’m the one knocking on your door making all this noise.  Whatever it takes, I give it all away. I wanna show my love in a thousand ways.

God I wanna let you know I love everything you are. I’m waiting for the morning light to show a fire in the dark. Shine your light. I wanna feel you now. God, I need a miracle. Take my heart. Make it glow. Shine your light from the inside out. I wanna be more like you. If you are the sun, then I wanna be the moon.  I wanna be the moon.

I can’t live a single day without you.  I don’t even want to try. I won’t take another step without your light. I need your light.

Life has been strange recently. I have felt distant and disconnected from God. But this song was a reminder to me that I want to be more like Jesus, I want to be on fire…I want to be the moon, I want to reflect the light that shines from you.

greensleeves

assumptions

This may seem very doom and gloom but I have been struggling with this for a while now, and even more so this week! All I’m going to say is this…people assume that everyone goes to heaven, regardless of their lifestyle…yet, people are not prepared to have a relationship with Jesus while here on earth?! First of all, why?! Do people really just not get the point of Christianity and eternal life in Heaven?? And if not, why not?! Are we, as Christians, not doing enough to help people understand that ok yes, being a Christian isn’t always an easy journey, in fact, more often than not, its hard, but life on earth is a blink of an eye compared to eternity after life!! And second of all, why does God take people before they have made a commitment to him…because does that not essentially banish to an eternity of pain and torture and complete separation from him?! I could go on and on but believe me it would be more round and round than on and on and theres not much point in dragging out my thoughts! … There just seems to be a lot I just can’t quite get ,y head around at the minute! 

 a confused and somewhat lost greensleeves!

shock

I just can’t believe it. Hearing the sad news of a tragic accident where a girl, who’s mum I used to work with, has died has made the end of my weekend somewhat difficult. It has left me with a sore feeling inside. Even though I didn’t really know her very well it doesn’t make the reality any less painful and tragic. I don’t really understand the feelings I have right now. They don’t really seem justified because of my very lose connection with her. I’m not even sure if I ever had a prolonged conversation with her, but I am in shock! All I can do is pray for Ammie’s family. I’m not even sure they are Christians, but that doesn’t mean God can’t comfort them in some way! 

I think it has hit me in this way possibly because the very thought of death is something I’m finding difficult to deal with because of losing my granny earlier this year. This morning’s news brought on a huge flashback to the night I heard my uncle tell me ‘she’s gone!’ It brought the rawness I feel in my heart. The memory, the feeling, the smell surrounding me, the atmosphere in the hospital that night is something that will stay with me forever.

 greensleeves

numbers

You did not choose me, But I chose you and appointed you yo go and bear fruit – fruit that will last!

John 15:16

I have been challenged recently about the size of the youth group that I help lead in church. But challenged more in a defensive way. We have a small group of about 12-15 kids that regularly attend yf. I constantly feel, though, that I make excuses for it being so small. I hear of other churches having loads and loads of young people and loads of youth leaders and my defense mechanism shoots up immediately and defend and justify why we have so few when really the bottom line is, numbers do not matter!

I am reading a book called ‘Fruit that will Last’ by Tim Hawkins. In one of the early chapters he talks about how very often youth leaders compare numbers with eachother, and generally in secret because generally speaking, and secretly speaking, every youth leader wants a bigger youth group whether they can admit it or not. I’m not saying that having a huge youth group is a bad thing, by no means. Young people are the next generation of the church and nurturing them in a healthy environment where they have a community of other Christians their age is so important. But that’s just it…community! Communities don’t necessarily have to be a large number of people. Aren’t relationships just as important as numbers? Don’t get me wrong either, I would love for our youth group to grow in numbers, but more so in fruit. I long for their relationship with God to grow and deepen and be one that will bear fruit that will last. Fruit is more important that numbers! Then it turns into a bit of a cycle really, the more fruit, the more confidence in God and the more bold they become to step out in faith and reach out to people and not be ashamed of the Gospel!

God doesn’t care how many are in your group, but God cares incredibly about the quality of your fruit.

         Tim Hawkins