So for the past few weeks I have been living in the mindset of the title of this post. This time last year my granny was living her last days, mostly in hospital with the occasional day at home. I feel like I have been living with this raw pain for the past few weeks. I can’t quite describe how I feel. I am still full of grief. I wrote shortly after she died about how I didn’t understand the grieving process and that I needed structure…I needed to know when it would all just go away and everything would be ok. Some days I do find myself drawing from the strength of God but I really have noticed that it isn’t consistent. I am not consistent in seeking God and relying on him and trusting him to comfort me amidst the pain. My granny was a huge part of my life. Not a single day goes past were I don;t think about her. Sometimes I can even hear her voice. Some of things I say to people I got from her, and I have a vivid image of her in my mind which I pray I never lose.
Last weekend I had a very real and I guess somewhat painful flashback of the day she died. I mean likes if it literally was happening all over again! It wasn’t a dream, or even a day dream! One minute I was sitting on my bed reading and the next minute I was literally back to the 16th Feb 2011, sitting outside the City Hospital on the phone to my friend telling her that my granny was probably going to die in the next few hours.
I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if it’s ok to be sad this week. If it’s ok to miss her! If it’s ok to think back over the past year with sadness at the loss of a wonderful and inspirational woman. I feel like that because I’m a Christian, I should be ok! How messed up is that?! But that is what is screaming inside me…but I’m NOT ok. I am hurting like its ‘this time last year’ again!! I know that God took her home, that isn’t were my sadness comes from. I simply miss her! I’m not angry that she died, I’m glad that her suffering ended, and ended pretty peacefully with her family around her bedside, but I am sad that she isn’t hear. There is SO much I want to tell her. I want to just talk to her, go to her house and have egg and chips and watch Andre Rieu with her. It hurts. It hurts that I can’t do that and it hurts that I’m so distracted by the events of this time last year!
This is what I wrote in my journal during church this morning…this is what is on my heart…
I’m sad that I haven’t had her for a whole year. The past few weeks have been a process of ‘this time last year’s’. It has been a painful few weeks. I think that is perhaps why I am so distracted and so overwhelmed. But I am not trusting God completely. I am finding that yes every so often I ask God for help, but I am definitely not submitting and surrendering to him. I need God! I need to be filled with his grace and love and HOPE. This week is going to be hard. I need the comfort of God to get me through. Father – I need you! I cry out to you!’
That pretty much pinpoints exactly how I feel right at this very moment! I’m a little (big) bit lost and lonely!
greensleeves 
