it has been a while…

not including my last post…it has been a long time since i last blogged! and boy a lot has happened! I have done a final semester performance, completed a dissertation and started back into my final semester of uniersity..and i think to myself ’sorry, WHAT?!’

Where the flip has the time gone? how could 3 years possibly have gone soo fast! and been SO eventful! I have learnt more about life and music in the past 3 years that i have in my whole life put together! life is beginning (or continuing) to scare me! and if im honest, i don’t remember the last time i sat down alone with God and talked it all out! all my fears and worries and about all the things i’ve gotta face in the next few months! theres just too much and i think im scared of completely over whelming myself! I am not the sorta person who can look at a little bit at a time…i start to think of one situation or decision i have to make and it leads on a winding road and stress and panic and then i freak out and the process starts again! i stop thinking for a hile and it all builds and builds and builds!

I guess what im saying is…i feel very far away…very disconnected and very scared! even though i know that God loves me…like someone very wisely said on postsecret

so things on my to do list at the mo…

• research unification of germany and italy
• research the french revolution
• generally read about 19th century opera
• pick pieces for my final performance
• try and sleep better

greensleeves

one of the…

…biggest mistakes of my life was telling my friend i had feelings for him!

my FAV website!

THIS is just absolutely heart warmingly amazing

it’s 1:30am

i am cold and my mind is racing with thoughts about my future…and i absolutely cannot fall asleep!! in fairness i only tried to go to sleep about 15 minutes ago, but nonetheless, the minute i turned my light off, my mind starting racing. thoughts and fears about finishing uni, more closely, finishing this semester! i have a dissertation and a final performance, both of which i am extremely nervous about. the progress with the dissertation is slow and my piece for my performance is also making slow progress…at least its making progress i hear you optimists say!

In 5 months time i will be finished uni, in 7 months time i will hopefully graduate, and in 9 months time one of my best friends is getting married. she has asked me to be her bridesmaid and i have very happily and joyfully accepted!! the problem is…i cant fully get excited about her wedding because i don’t know if i will be able to make it. now this is jumping way ahead of anything here but i may as well tell you, my faithful readers, that i am applying for a job…in…china! i don’t know what Gods will is for my life, but i know that i was told about this job, i didn’t just find it by accident, and i believe that by faith i will apply for it and see how God leads me! the thought of living and teaching in china excites the life out of me and terrifies the life out of me all at the same time! but lets get back to reality here, i havent even filled out my application form yet! never mind got an interview so it is all a long way (sort of!) off! deadline for application is 22nd feb! i intend to get stuck into my form at the start of next semester…25th jan onwards! if im successful at application stage, the interviews are 8th/9th march…the rest is the future and only God is in control of that!!

so i guess now that ive told you all that id really appreciate you’re prayers! anyone that knows me will know that i worry a little…a lot!! i struggle a lot with putting things to the back of my mind and concentrating on the present, and right now thats what i need to do! i need the next 2-3 weeks to be focused on my dissertation and my performance! then and only THEN can i start to think about my application form! a form that will determine the next 2 yrs of my life! i tend to look at the big picture…its not my job to look at the big picture…so i guess i also need prayer in the area of concentrating on little chunks of the big picture!

i would love nothing more than to just feel a real sense of peace about my life right now…because i feel very uneasy! i feel stuck! i can’t really explain fully how i feel! for tiny split seconds, life makes sense, then that feeling goes away again and i feel like i crash back into reality! but what even is reality?! why can’t it be perfect peace all of the time!

i guess it will..someday!

thanks!

greensleeves

the art of conducting…a road to failure!

when i first thought about my ideas for my dissertation…i was excited, i talked about them with a lecturer who unfortunately didn’t turn out to be my supervisor! now…nothing i seem to do or present to my current supervisor is good enough and the marks he is giving me are crap and i have had it! i’m starting to lose interest in this project and that is annoying me even more because the art of conducting fascinates me so much. lecturers have no idea how much of an impact (positive and negative) they have on a student!

greensleeves isnt happy!!

2 cans of diet coke…

1 cuppa coffee,

2 cups of tea,

a glass of orange juice,

2 sandwiches

and a mug of hot chocolate later…

7th January – ‘Tradition’ – discuss – 1500 words - 992 words done so far

12th January – The Art of Conducting – 8000-10000 words - 1329 words done so far!

haha the second one sounded better in my head…but i am extremely happy to say i have finally started writing my dissertation…its a slow process but i’m gettin there!! it has been a long day…and i’m very certain there are many many more to come! i’m happy with the progress i made today…another few like that and it’ll be written in no time!

i am absolutely ready for bed!!

writing mode…

i’m finding it very hard to get into ‘writing mode’ today! to be fair…i always find it hard to get into ‘writing mode’ when i’m writing a formal piece of work!! i could chat away on facebook chat or write a blog any day, or write in my journal and just waffle my life away…but when it comes to writing about specific things, using references and  making it make sense first time round without writing something down…writing about more then changing my mind but leaving it all in the paragraph or whatever…hardtimes!!!

anyway…my aim today is to write a good solid 1000 (out of 10000) words!! ive got 283 so far!! better than nothing!! i jut thought id take a wee break and blog for a minute!! it is always when i have work todo or lse its the holidays and ive nothing to do that i log most…so watch this space!! with my dissertation to write and a musicology essay to write all for around the 12th january…i might be cloggin my frustrations a lot!! we’ll see!!

i cannot be-leeeeeve its narly Christmas!!

hope everyone’s starting to feel festive! I am in a funny sort of...i-have loads-of-work-to-do-but-screw-it-christmas-is-coming sort of way

greensleeves - needs to keep smiling!

born to give them second birth…

it is so so hard to find motivation these days. After a busy 2 weeks with choir engagements, i haven;t been able to find much time to sit and gt some work done, work that is due on 7th and 12th of january! this is a scary thought. So this week, between queen choir practices and carol singing I am trying to squeeze in some good quality library time…the only problem is…i just can’t focus! i can’t get my head around the fact that i am in final year and have a lot of work to do…i dwell on that too much and then don’t get the necessary work done!

anyways…I was singing with choir last night in the foyleside shopping centre in derry and it struck me…that people stand around and sing along to carols like O little town of Bethlehem and O come all ye faithful…but do they really understand what they’re singing about!? Only recently have I really started to think about the meaning of these carols…simply because in school and in church i always play them and never get to sing the words…but now i sing them and I have realised just how powerful they are…Born to raise the sons of earth, Born to give them second birth! Born to save the world from sin! Born for us…what an amazing gift?! it is amazing that this is a gift for everyone! all we have to do is believe it and receive it!

Christianity isn’t a tradition! Christmas isn’t a tradition! Christianity is a lifestyle, it is a choice! The gift that the world received at Christmas is what made this lifestyle possible!

I just typed Christmas in to google image search there naively thinking the first picture would be of the nativity scene…it wasn’t…

it was a Christmas tree…now don’t get me wrong, Christmas trees are lovely and brighten up your home and make it look festive, but if that is what people first associate with Christmas, then what chance is their for lost people to find Jesus?!

ok so when i typed nativity in the google, lego nativity was the first picture…! its a consumerist world..but at least it gets the ‘true’ meaning of Christmas! No its not about lego…its about the birth of Jesus!!

Happy Christmas from greensleeves!

What is Tradition?

here’s another little question for your thoughts to ponder…what is tradition? can or should tradition change? this is my next essay title for musicology…only writing it in terms of irish tradition music.

all thoughts welcome… thanks

13 weeks and here’s a question about consistency…

someone very kindly pointed out to me today that i only have 13 weeks of uni left…ah!

ok so…there is one thing in life that is really baffling me right now! baffling me and annoying the hell out of me…is the lack of consistency in life! more specifically…in university!!

i have blogged about the lack of consistency in the workplace and now…i’m experiencing it in uni! not one lecturer has the same way of marking, the same opinion on a performance or the same expectation of the way an essay should be reference, set out or the accuracy of the word limit! i mean why?! why can there not be one set of rules for university that is followed? why the gray areas? for the past 2 years, i have realised the truth…that lecturers go fairly easy on you, ease you into the degree…then drop a ruddy big bomb shell on you in final year…boundaries are raised..which is totally fair enough…but us students havent got a single notion how they are raised…how much more work we need to do, even if we work our socks off it sees like its not enough! there is no guidance and the previous 2 years almost seem like a waste of time! it kills me to think that i only have 13 weeks left of uni…13 weeks to finish my degree…13 weeks to work my ass off and achieve the best i can…13 weeks to guess what lecturers expect from me…13 weeks to wonder if i;m doing it all right…13 weeks to potentially get it all wrong!!

13 weeks…that is not a long time! the past 11 weeks have flown in!! the past 20 years have flown in…13 weeks…shit!

can ya tell i’m a little worried?! a little frustrated?! a little lost?! a little overwhelmed?! a little…a lot of things!!!!!

ah!

i just needed a rant about my frustrations about consistency again! and about how time is going tooo fast and i feel like im getting nowhere!!!